Keeping A Baby After Adoption.

In my life I have placed two babies for adoption. I placed my first baby (Grace) in October of 2012, and my second (Lincoln) I placed in July of 2017. Now, I am due October 19th with my 3rd baby (Skye) who I have decided to keep.

Making the decision to keep Skye was not easy for me at all. I didn't want my first two girls to think that I didn't want them, because that was far from the truth. I placed them for adoption because at that time I knew they deserved more than I could give them. The reason I chose to keep this baby and not my other two is because I am in a completely different place in life. My life has definitely changed for the better since I had my first daughter, and I truly believe I am in a better head space now than I was even a year or two ago. During those times I did not have the support of a "baby daddy" for either of my two daughters. This time my daughter and I have that. Not only does my daughter have a father but she also has family on both sides who already love her SO much. That alone was something that was very important to me. Most people assume that my decision to place my first two daughters was because I was selfish when that wasn't the case at all. 

Am I excited that I am going to be a mom next week? YES, of course. But that does not mean that I do not think about what I could've done differently with my first two daughters, especially the one I placed just last year. Throughout this pregnancy I have dealt with a lot of inner battles that I normally do not talk about. What people tend to assume about adoption is that "it's the easy way out" when it is far from it. It is one of the hardest things I've been through in my life, that's saying something because I've been through quite a lot. Carrying a baby for 9 months, giving birth and then placing them in the arms of another family is VERY hard. During this pregnancy I've been struggling with not letting those painful memories effect how I bond with this baby. Unfortunately I have had some really tough days, especially the closer I get to my c section. Now, this doesn't mean that I haven't been enjoying this pregnancy cause I honestly have in a lot of ways. It's super fun having people around me that are just as excited to meet her as I am. 

And now the countdown begins!!!! 7 days until I get to meet my baby girl!!! 

The Wounds Behind The Smile.

I was very hesitant to write another blog post so soon primarily because of the negative comments and messages I have gotten throughout this journey, especially the beginning of it. I think so often we are naive to the fact that there is so much more to a story than what appears to the naked eye.

 Just because I am smiling and writing positive posts on my Facebook or social media in general does not mean that my decision doing adoption and giving my daughter up was easy in anyway. I have chosen not to post my feelings/emotions on Facebook because I genuinely believe that it just isn't the right place for it. Too often Facebook (and other social media) is used to share very personal details, or even used to bash others. I personally do not want use it for that, I use it as an escape and to catch up with friends. Since writing this blog I am able to share my story with whomever chooses to read it and I am able show the more vulnerable side of my life, I love that. I believe that we go through trials to help others and to grow as a person.

 Since so many people in my life seem to think that I have chosen "the easy way out" as you like to call it, I would love to explain how in no way is this the easy way. Every choice you make effects someone in some way or another. Choosing adoption hurt me in every way imaginable: physically, mentally, and of course emotionally. But not only did this decision effect me, it hurt my family as they had to say goodbye to a piece of their family. Throughout this journey I had to make some very big, serious life changes. Not only did I go through with the pregnancy but I also went through with the adoption process. The legal process of the adoption was not even over once I handed my daughter to her parents, I had to go to court the day after I was discharged from the hospital. Try to picture me standing in front of a judge 4 days after being cut open, 1 day after handing my daughter over, with tears streaming down my face and having to state that I want to terminate my parental rights. It was far from easy! Over the last 10 months I carried my daughter to full term, had major surgery (c section) to  be able to give birth to her, bonded with her in the hospital for 4 days AND gave her to her new parents. None of that was easy for me or even my family. So when you tell me that I chose the easy way out, those reasons that I just stated are why I get so hurt and so mad. In no way has my life been any easier since all of this.

I know for many people it can be hard to put yourselves in someone else's shoes, but if you cannot allow yourself to take the time to understand a foreign situation then it is probably best to not make any judgmental comments on it. It may seem that I am this positive happy person by my social media, but it just isn't the truth. I find it even hard to write this blog without crying. Am I choosing to see the positive in all aspects of my life?? YES, I am!! I don't think being negative about what I can't control makes my life brighter in any way, but that does NOT mean that I am not hurting. I am actually hurting quite a bit. The grief comes in waves, some days are pretty good and some days are just very very bad and I cannot be around anyone.  The hardest part about all this is that when I go out in public no one knows that I just had a baby 18 days ago and that I gave her up for adoption 13 days ago. To everyone I just am this normal girl with a story. I don't expect people to feel sorry for me at all, I don't want that to be honest. I just wish I knew when to share my story and when to just try to be strong and keep it to myself. I think the more people who know my story, the more they will understand why I am the way I am. Each event in our lives shapes us, mine has definitely shaped me and I am learning to embrace it.

I feel like everyone needs to know that I miss my daughter every moment of every day. From experience I know it will get easier as the years go on, but right now it isn't easy in anyway for me. Everyday is a struggle for me internally. I don't feel like I am free now that I don't have my daughter or  that I have "gotten out" of being a mother. For those who do know me know that I love kids with all my heart and that I would give anything to be a mother. I just choose to put my children first. I will never put my daughters into a position that would make them unhappy, just so I could be happier. Choosing adoption is a selfless decision for most cases, I can't say for every case because not every story or situation is the same. But for my story, it was one of the most selfless things I've ever done and I will NEVER regret giving my daughters to their adoptive families.

I hope that after reading this everyone will stop using the phrase "the easy way out", because no way in life is easier than the other.

7.6.2017

Forewarning, I will probably start blogging more frequently while I am in Canada as it has been a great outlet for my emotions and thoughts. I also know it has been helping other birth mothers who have gone through similar things.

The past couple days haven't been so terrible honestly, but today it has been very hard to be happy. I cried quite a bit last night and unfortunately the sadness has rolled into today as well. With the lack of sleep, hallucinating that my daughter is here and just feeling so unbearably empty... I am struggling to find joy today. I think mainly I am emotionally and physically drained. It isn't easy trying to grieve when I am constantly reminded of what I went through by the physical pain. Today I haven't received any texts, emails or pictures from the adoptive parents as they are driving back to California. I think that alone is starting to get to me and is making it feel more real that I probably won't see my daughter again for a long time. I genuinely wish there was an easy fix to grieving, not just for myself but for everyone dealing with a loss of a loved one. Unfortunately you just have to let it happen and deal with it as it comes, big sigh.

I tried to kill sometime this morning/afternoon by writing to my daughter about the reason that I chose adoption and the parents I did for her. That distracted me for a hour or so luckily. I still cannot believe that it has only been a week since I gave birth to my daughter, 4 days since I said goodbye and 3 days since I terminated my parental rights. It has definitely been a jam packed week. I would honestly do anything to be in the hospital again holding her and watching her sleep, but it is time to try and move forward.

I want to say thank you to all my friends near and far that message, text, call, Instagram and Snapchat me to make sure that I am doing okay, and that I know I am not alone. I know there isn't much anyone can do or say, but even just caring about how I am doing and recognizing that I am going through a hard time really means  so much to me. It feels amazing knowing that I have friends that care and pray/think about me and my daughter. YOU guys are what makes this grieving process much more bearable. I cannot begin to thank you all enough.

A Moment In My Arms, Forever In My Heart.

As of June 29^th, 2017 at 7:55 am I was blessed with the most amazing little bundle of joy who came out kissed by God. I say this because throughout my entire pregnancy until the very moment she was born, I prayed over her. I was so fortunate to have my mama Carrie and her mother Nan there with me the night before the c section to ease my nerves. We laughed a lot and just went over how the next day would go, then it was off to bed.

Carrie came and got me around 5:00 am on Thursday and from the minute we walked into the hospital they started prepping me for my 7:30 am surgery. Unfortunately, that part did not go as planned.  I really wanted to spend time with the adoptive parents beforehand in order to ease their nerves as well as mine. I also thought it would be a good idea for them to meet my mama, so they wouldn't be meeting her for the first time the same time that they met their daughter. Unfortunately I felt very nauseous while they were prepping me for everything and wasn’t able to have everyone meet and hang out.

Around 7:00 am I was taken back to the operating room where they gave me my spinal block. My OB, Dr. Homan, was truly amazing.  She comforted me and held me while I was getting my spinal and just talked me through everything. Not only did she do this, she even ensured Christian music was playing for me in the background. By the time I was laying on the table and being prepped I was flooded with a sense of peace, which was odd because I had such terrible anxiety up until this point. Once my mama was allowed into the operating room I cried and she prayed over Lincoln and I, which gave me a lot of comfort. 

After this, everything went quickly, they started the process of delivering my daughter. At 7:55 am I was able to hear the beautiful sound of my daughter crying and man did that feel good. At this point, my mom went over to see her and took lots of pictures.  We have all the photos of my little one getting cleaned up, the nurses checking her vitals, and ensuring that she was healthy and strong. It took about an hour or so from start to finish until I was able to be taken back to my room with my baby in my arms. Once we got to the room, the nurses checked on my baby and myself about every 15-30 minutes for pretty much the entire day and night. I personally did not mind because it meant that they would closely monitor to make sure both Lincoln and I were doing okay.

I honestly don't remember everything minute by minute as a lot happened throughout the day, but I do know that the first day I bonded with my baby.  The adoptive parents weren't allowed to come into the room until 2 hours after surgery, mostly because of the risk of infection so soon after surgery, I think they wanted to give us all time to get things in order and to calm down. I asked my mom to find a way to show the adoptive parents their new baby.  She went and brought the couple to my hospital room door, and then she brought Lincoln to them.   They were able to give her a quick kiss and of course cry because of how surreal everything had become, they were finally parents.

Once they were allowed to come into the room, they came and hugged me and then held their little precious gift from God. As you know from my previous blogs I wasn't sure about how the interaction at the hospital would be between all of us, but I am so glad that it went the way it did. We all sat there, laughing, crying and just bonding and telling stories.  This was truly an awesome experience from all sides. Seeing them with my daughter made me content, happy and at peace, which normally most would think I would be jealous but I wasn't one bit. How could I be? I was able to witness first hand just how loved my daughter was and is.  That is the most important thing to me as a mom. I will ALWAYS put my children first no matter how much it hurts me.  Thankfully I have a God who takes on some of that pain so I don't have to endure it alone.

Over the stay at the hospital we spent a lot of time together.  As our final hours together in the hospital came closer, I wanted to be selfish and spend it alone with my daughter, mom and grandma. I was so beyond lucky to have my support system there with me, and I had many friends who supported me throughout this time as well.  I didn't have any of my friends visit though because honestly I just wanted to spend it with my daughter, and I am glad I did it this way. Thankfully I have some awesome people in my life.

To summarize my stay in the hospital, it consisted of a lot of check ups from nurses, cuddling, feeding my baby, lots of tears, story sharing and lots and lots of hugs. I will say that I had some of the kindest nurses during my stay at Essentia Hospital, they not only cared for me physically but emotionally as well. It felt so good to have them understand things from my side, and to be sensitive to my situation as well. I even managed to get a picture of Lincoln and my favorite nurse which made my heart happy.

Now here comes the hard part… I chose to say goodbye to the adoptive parents the day before I said goodbye to my daughter. I knew the limits to my strength and I just could not face them and hand them my daughter, not because I was jealous but because as a mother it would have felt like a piece of my heart was being torn out of me. Before we all said goodbye we spent a couple hours just sitting there talking while I held my daughter. They held her for a bit, but were very aware of the pain I was feeling and how limited my time was with her. I could not have chosen a better family for my sweet little girl. After we said goodbye and exchanged letters/gifts, I spent the rest of the evening cuddling Lincoln and watching HGTV with my mom and grandma. The last night I ended up just staying up and staring mesmerized at my daughter.  She was and isi truly wonderful. I couldn't believe I created such a beautiful little baby.  Throughout my time with her I took sooo many photos and videos that I will cherish forever. 

In the morning we got ready to go home and say goodbye.  Lincoln and I had our last assessments and got our discharge papers as well. Noon came quick, but I felt very ready to say goodbye. I spent some time holding her and crying, as I knew this was the last time I would hold her until I saw her again. It was not easy saying goodbye to my beautiful baby girl. I told her how much I loved her and I said a quick prayer over her.  The hardest part about saying goodbye was the fact that I had my daughter inside of me for 9 months, and had 4 days to hold her and love her and then had to walk out of the hospital without her.

I still wake up thinking she is by me when she isn't, it is a very hard adjustment and will definitely take time. It wasn't until I was alone in my apartment that everything hit me at once, I truly felt empty. I had made some food, put on my show and sat in bed, and that was when I realized just a couple days before I was doing the same thing just with my daughter inside of me. The pain I felt just from that was almost unbearable, I couldn't stop crying because I felt like I had lost the most important thing in my life. I decided I would try to shower instead of watching TV in bed and that was when things got worse. I sat down on my shower ledge and cried even harder, I missed her so much. Feeling empty is not a great feeling at all, and to place a child for adoption almost feels like the loss of a loved one. Thankfully my mom and grandma were almost back to the apartment and the rest of the night was a bit better. I don't know when I will be able to be completely alone without crying but probably not for a while.

The next day I had to appear in court to terminate my rights.  It went pretty smooth but of course I cried. At this point it all felt so real.  There was no going back after this. After the hearing my mom and I picked up my dog and we headed home.  Because they live in Canada, we had long ride back but we made it fun.  We reminisced on the entire hospital stay and I also was able to get to know her on a deeper level. Once we got home I unpacked and just cuddled up with my dog. It has felt awesome to be home and to be surrounded by people I love and who love me back.

I cannot say that I haven't cried since being here because I have, but it isn't as emotionally painful. What has been helping me a lot is that I receive daily pictures, emails or texts from the adoptive family. They reassure me how much my daughter is loved and it almost makes me feel like I am there with them. It is difficult to be sad when I see how much they love her.  Nights are still hard, but I am working on allowing myself to cry and let it all out. I don’t know how the next couple weeks will go, but I am praying they keep getting better. God has been so good to me throughout this whole journey, so I know He won't stop now.  

4 Days, 15 Hours and 39 Minutes!

I totally have my alarm app set on my phone that tells me EXACTLY when it is time to be up for delivery day! For anyone wondering, I have to be up at 4:30 am.... YIKESSSS! I am not a morning person at all, never have been and never will be, but I doubt I will be getting much sleep the night before.

I cannot believe I made it, it does not feel real. I've been dreaming of this day for months, not because I absolutely hate being pregnant, but emotionally it is just draining. As a birth mom it is bittersweet, you get excited to have your body and life back, but you are so sad that it is almost time to say goodbye. I am just proud of myself for making it through and enduring all the bumps and dead ends throughout the journey. I don't even recognize the woman I was 9 months ago, THAT is how much pregnancy and adoption has changed me.

For those wondering about life after all this, well... I am not entirely sure what I will be doing, but I have some goals in mind. To start off, I will be spending the "grieving process" in Canada with my family, then Oreo and I will take a little road trip to see our best friends Laura and Lopez in Bismark for a weekend. I will be heading back to the salon August 1st (Mastercuts in West Acres) and am I excited to work again!!!! I finally have a financial plan to get me back on the right track… about damn time too. I am hoping to eventually move on up in the salon world and I am thankful that there are both Mastercuts and Regis salons all over the United States, so yes I hope for a big move/change on the horizon. Don't ask me where yet, no freaking clue.

I think it is super positive to have small and big goals to keep myself motivated and to help me be the best person I can be.  I wish I had made goals for myself earlier because without them I went down a dark path of partying and hanging out with the wrong crowd. A huge goal for me on top of all this would be attending school for Equine Management, but I don't want to do this until I am more financially stable, and have gotten some more hours of riding under my belt. 

As far as everything about the process coming up, I am feeling so done. I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. Even just thinking about what is left to do is overwhelming me. I have found that I am getting very irritable with everyone.  I think it is because I am guarding my heart. As all moms know, I am bonding with my daughter, and then I have to say goodbye just 3 or 4 days later.  This is brutal. It honestly feels like I have lost someone VERY close to me. I don't wish this experience upon anyone, but at the same time it is such a special moment and gift. To think that I am going to bless two people with the chance to be a family is pretty darn cool! I turned such a negative situation and time in my life, into something far greater.

Update. 6-14-2017

I just realized today that I have not written a post in my blog in over 2 weeks!! 😐 I think the main reason I haven't written anything is because I have no idea what exactly to write about. Not much has really happened since my last post in May. What I do want to say though is thank you to everyone who keeps up with my blog and genuinely cares about my journey throughout this adoption and after. It means so much more than any of you will probably ever know. In regards to the negative feedback about my blog, my advice is to not read it!!! Simple as that. 

Over the last 2 weeks the really only thing that has been happening regarding the adoption is that I've been completing a ton of paperwork. I have also had to sign my rights away for the court hearing on July 3rd, as well as fill out personal information for my social worker, adoption lawyer and the adoptive family. Now we pretty much just have to wait until the little one is born to fill out more paper work and sign more forms. I am definitely feeling a bit overwhelmed with whats to come. I also know that attending the hearing the day after I get out of the hospital will be very hard and emotional. 

As far as things with the adoptive family, they are honestly going pretty good. I was worried about how the rest of the adoption journey would go since we had some "minor" bumps in the road, but thankfully we've all decided to move forward together. I have gotten over my fear of allowing myself to get close to them and have given my complete trust to God in this entire situation. I have been emailing, texting and sending pictures/videos throughout the last couple weeks, and it is going well!! The reason I say that I have gotten over my fear of allowing myself to get close is because I am the type of person who would rather protect and guard my heart than going out of my comfort zone. As you know from my previous blog posts this adoption is open, but unfortunately it is up to my daughter to choose whether she wants to meet me again when she is older. So of course as any woman would be about her child, she gets closed off and protective. I acted this way for a majority of this adoption process and I don't think it helped the situation. I've come to realize that in order for me to see my daughter again, she needs to hear good things from her adoptive parents. Sometimes you just have to let that fear go and let God take control. And damn does it feel way better!!! 😍

I have my scheduled C section in 14 days at the crack of dawn. I am soooo beyond ready to get this ball rolling!!! It is definitely bittersweet. As much as I want my body and life back, I know that once she is born my time with her is limited. In the hospital I will spend a majority of my time with her and when she is not with me she will be with Carrie or anyone who comes to visit. (meaning family, unless I've texted you about coming to visit) The adoptive family will most likely get to see her once the little one and I have settled in. I am still very unsure about this whole process as it is very different then the first time, but Carrie and I are thankfully on the same page. God definitely has a funny way of working, so I am keeping an open mind to most everything regarding the adoption and my time with Lincoln.  

Other than what I've shared nothing else is really new. I am trying to prepare myself for the physical and emotional healing part of this journey, but not much I can do right now. Come July I will be heading back to Canada and spending the month there before I return to work. I just pray that I am able to stay positive so I can really keep my life on track and move forward instead of backwards.

If anyone ever has any questions or comments, feel free to send me an email at : kjuckniess10@gmail.com 

 

5/27/2017

I unfortunately do not have a special title for this blog post as it won't be covering anything specific, it will in face be quite random. To update everyone that cares, I will be in Fargo, North Dakota until the beginning of July. I decided to come back early from Winkler, Manitoba as there is just more for Oreo and I to do here. It definitely gets lonely as I do not have many genuine friends here, but Oreo and I tend to do our own thing anyways! 

The evening before I came back to Fargo I had attended a worship service with Carrie at her church, and to say the least it was awesome!!!! I don't tend to go to church when I am there as I am just not a morning person (which is no excuse), but I got super excited that there was a service that evening. I went into the worship service knowing I was highly vulnerable emotionally and knew there was a chance that I would cry. I personally didn't think it was actually going to happen, but Carrie did haha. I ended up being able to really relate to what the pastor was talking about before the worship service began. After he spoke I started to self reflect and began praying in my head about numerous things. I prayed to God to fill my heart, soul and mind with His love so that I could be a leader/example to others in my life, and I asked Him to just use/mold me into the woman I am meant to be. Lately I've been getting frustrated because the better of a person I become, the more I realize I need to change about myself. It isn't in a bad way, just I want to be the best version of myself. After I said this prayer, the song "Great Are You Lord" started playing. At this point I had opened my heart to God and I began to feel God's presence so strongly (so could everyone around me) it was obvious!!!! At that moment I was truly overpowered with this feeling of clarity and just a release of heaviness in my heart. And of course, I cried. Anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely hate to cry, but thankfully church is the one place I allow myself to let ALL my guards down. I believe that God knows that and uses that to shape me into the woman I want to become. I felt VERY relieved after the service because at that moment I knew God heard me and He even showed me physically that He was present. I guess you could say that I left Winkler (home) feeling refreshed and thankful for the relationship that I have with God (my heavenly Father). I am one of those Christians that have been blessed with MANY hands on experiences with God. I would be very dumb to not believe in Him, and I would love love love to share my experiences with everyone else as well!!!!

Now that I am back in Fargo I have been feeling a bit discouraged. I have come to realize how little amount of friends I have here that I can hang out with. I always say that actions speak louder than words. For those that have shown me that we have a friendship and that they care, THANK YOU!!!! It means a lot to me, probably more than you will ever know.  Being pregnant by yourself is never an easy thing, not to mention losing a majority of the "friends" you had before. But I am managing, I've learned to make myself happy. I think too many people these days rely on others to be happy, that will never work as many are selfish, including myself. I will admit though that some of the friendships that fell apart were totally my own doing because I tend to jump to conclusions and assume the worst in situations. SOOOO, I am sorry to anyone that I did hurt or get frustrated with, I hope you can forgive me. 

Oreo and I have been keeping busy by going to different parks and also seeing our dog friends/owners at the dog parks here in Fargo. We have definitely been blessed with this awesome May weather as we spend most of our time outside!!! This morning I woke up abnormally early (5:30 am) and did some more research so that Oreo and I could enjoy Fargo even more, and to my surprise I found lots of fun things to do! I am feeling a bit more hopeful for the next 30 something days I have left in this pregnancy and adoption journey. June 29th (my due date) is not very far away and everything seems to be coming together.  At this point I need to get right with myself so that I am able to be strong during the hardest part of my pregnancy journey/adoption process. I will write a blog or two more before June 29th, so do not worry!!!