I was very hesitant to write another blog post so soon primarily because of the negative comments and messages I have gotten throughout this journey, especially the beginning of it. I think so often we are naive to the fact that there is so much more to a story than what appears to the naked eye.
Just because I am smiling and writing positive posts on my Facebook or social media in general does not mean that my decision doing adoption and giving my daughter up was easy in anyway. I have chosen not to post my feelings/emotions on Facebook because I genuinely believe that it just isn't the right place for it. Too often Facebook (and other social media) is used to share very personal details, or even used to bash others. I personally do not want use it for that, I use it as an escape and to catch up with friends. Since writing this blog I am able to share my story with whomever chooses to read it and I am able show the more vulnerable side of my life, I love that. I believe that we go through trials to help others and to grow as a person.
Since so many people in my life seem to think that I have chosen "the easy way out" as you like to call it, I would love to explain how in no way is this the easy way. Every choice you make effects someone in some way or another. Choosing adoption hurt me in every way imaginable: physically, mentally, and of course emotionally. But not only did this decision effect me, it hurt my family as they had to say goodbye to a piece of their family. Throughout this journey I had to make some very big, serious life changes. Not only did I go through with the pregnancy but I also went through with the adoption process. The legal process of the adoption was not even over once I handed my daughter to her parents, I had to go to court the day after I was discharged from the hospital. Try to picture me standing in front of a judge 4 days after being cut open, 1 day after handing my daughter over, with tears streaming down my face and having to state that I want to terminate my parental rights. It was far from easy! Over the last 10 months I carried my daughter to full term, had major surgery (c section) to be able to give birth to her, bonded with her in the hospital for 4 days AND gave her to her new parents. None of that was easy for me or even my family. So when you tell me that I chose the easy way out, those reasons that I just stated are why I get so hurt and so mad. In no way has my life been any easier since all of this.
I know for many people it can be hard to put yourselves in someone else's shoes, but if you cannot allow yourself to take the time to understand a foreign situation then it is probably best to not make any judgmental comments on it. It may seem that I am this positive happy person by my social media, but it just isn't the truth. I find it even hard to write this blog without crying. Am I choosing to see the positive in all aspects of my life?? YES, I am!! I don't think being negative about what I can't control makes my life brighter in any way, but that does NOT mean that I am not hurting. I am actually hurting quite a bit. The grief comes in waves, some days are pretty good and some days are just very very bad and I cannot be around anyone. The hardest part about all this is that when I go out in public no one knows that I just had a baby 18 days ago and that I gave her up for adoption 13 days ago. To everyone I just am this normal girl with a story. I don't expect people to feel sorry for me at all, I don't want that to be honest. I just wish I knew when to share my story and when to just try to be strong and keep it to myself. I think the more people who know my story, the more they will understand why I am the way I am. Each event in our lives shapes us, mine has definitely shaped me and I am learning to embrace it.
I feel like everyone needs to know that I miss my daughter every moment of every day. From experience I know it will get easier as the years go on, but right now it isn't easy in anyway for me. Everyday is a struggle for me internally. I don't feel like I am free now that I don't have my daughter or that I have "gotten out" of being a mother. For those who do know me know that I love kids with all my heart and that I would give anything to be a mother. I just choose to put my children first. I will never put my daughters into a position that would make them unhappy, just so I could be happier. Choosing adoption is a selfless decision for most cases, I can't say for every case because not every story or situation is the same. But for my story, it was one of the most selfless things I've ever done and I will NEVER regret giving my daughters to their adoptive families.
I hope that after reading this everyone will stop using the phrase "the easy way out", because no way in life is easier than the other.
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