A Moment In My Arms, Forever In My Heart.

As of June 29^th, 2017 at 7:55 am I was blessed with the most amazing little bundle of joy who came out kissed by God. I say this because throughout my entire pregnancy until the very moment she was born, I prayed over her. I was so fortunate to have my mama Carrie and her mother Nan there with me the night before the c section to ease my nerves. We laughed a lot and just went over how the next day would go, then it was off to bed.

Carrie came and got me around 5:00 am on Thursday and from the minute we walked into the hospital they started prepping me for my 7:30 am surgery. Unfortunately, that part did not go as planned.  I really wanted to spend time with the adoptive parents beforehand in order to ease their nerves as well as mine. I also thought it would be a good idea for them to meet my mama, so they wouldn't be meeting her for the first time the same time that they met their daughter. Unfortunately I felt very nauseous while they were prepping me for everything and wasn’t able to have everyone meet and hang out.

Around 7:00 am I was taken back to the operating room where they gave me my spinal block. My OB, Dr. Homan, was truly amazing.  She comforted me and held me while I was getting my spinal and just talked me through everything. Not only did she do this, she even ensured Christian music was playing for me in the background. By the time I was laying on the table and being prepped I was flooded with a sense of peace, which was odd because I had such terrible anxiety up until this point. Once my mama was allowed into the operating room I cried and she prayed over Lincoln and I, which gave me a lot of comfort. 

After this, everything went quickly, they started the process of delivering my daughter. At 7:55 am I was able to hear the beautiful sound of my daughter crying and man did that feel good. At this point, my mom went over to see her and took lots of pictures.  We have all the photos of my little one getting cleaned up, the nurses checking her vitals, and ensuring that she was healthy and strong. It took about an hour or so from start to finish until I was able to be taken back to my room with my baby in my arms. Once we got to the room, the nurses checked on my baby and myself about every 15-30 minutes for pretty much the entire day and night. I personally did not mind because it meant that they would closely monitor to make sure both Lincoln and I were doing okay.

I honestly don't remember everything minute by minute as a lot happened throughout the day, but I do know that the first day I bonded with my baby.  The adoptive parents weren't allowed to come into the room until 2 hours after surgery, mostly because of the risk of infection so soon after surgery, I think they wanted to give us all time to get things in order and to calm down. I asked my mom to find a way to show the adoptive parents their new baby.  She went and brought the couple to my hospital room door, and then she brought Lincoln to them.   They were able to give her a quick kiss and of course cry because of how surreal everything had become, they were finally parents.

Once they were allowed to come into the room, they came and hugged me and then held their little precious gift from God. As you know from my previous blogs I wasn't sure about how the interaction at the hospital would be between all of us, but I am so glad that it went the way it did. We all sat there, laughing, crying and just bonding and telling stories.  This was truly an awesome experience from all sides. Seeing them with my daughter made me content, happy and at peace, which normally most would think I would be jealous but I wasn't one bit. How could I be? I was able to witness first hand just how loved my daughter was and is.  That is the most important thing to me as a mom. I will ALWAYS put my children first no matter how much it hurts me.  Thankfully I have a God who takes on some of that pain so I don't have to endure it alone.

Over the stay at the hospital we spent a lot of time together.  As our final hours together in the hospital came closer, I wanted to be selfish and spend it alone with my daughter, mom and grandma. I was so beyond lucky to have my support system there with me, and I had many friends who supported me throughout this time as well.  I didn't have any of my friends visit though because honestly I just wanted to spend it with my daughter, and I am glad I did it this way. Thankfully I have some awesome people in my life.

To summarize my stay in the hospital, it consisted of a lot of check ups from nurses, cuddling, feeding my baby, lots of tears, story sharing and lots and lots of hugs. I will say that I had some of the kindest nurses during my stay at Essentia Hospital, they not only cared for me physically but emotionally as well. It felt so good to have them understand things from my side, and to be sensitive to my situation as well. I even managed to get a picture of Lincoln and my favorite nurse which made my heart happy.

Now here comes the hard part… I chose to say goodbye to the adoptive parents the day before I said goodbye to my daughter. I knew the limits to my strength and I just could not face them and hand them my daughter, not because I was jealous but because as a mother it would have felt like a piece of my heart was being torn out of me. Before we all said goodbye we spent a couple hours just sitting there talking while I held my daughter. They held her for a bit, but were very aware of the pain I was feeling and how limited my time was with her. I could not have chosen a better family for my sweet little girl. After we said goodbye and exchanged letters/gifts, I spent the rest of the evening cuddling Lincoln and watching HGTV with my mom and grandma. The last night I ended up just staying up and staring mesmerized at my daughter.  She was and isi truly wonderful. I couldn't believe I created such a beautiful little baby.  Throughout my time with her I took sooo many photos and videos that I will cherish forever. 

In the morning we got ready to go home and say goodbye.  Lincoln and I had our last assessments and got our discharge papers as well. Noon came quick, but I felt very ready to say goodbye. I spent some time holding her and crying, as I knew this was the last time I would hold her until I saw her again. It was not easy saying goodbye to my beautiful baby girl. I told her how much I loved her and I said a quick prayer over her.  The hardest part about saying goodbye was the fact that I had my daughter inside of me for 9 months, and had 4 days to hold her and love her and then had to walk out of the hospital without her.

I still wake up thinking she is by me when she isn't, it is a very hard adjustment and will definitely take time. It wasn't until I was alone in my apartment that everything hit me at once, I truly felt empty. I had made some food, put on my show and sat in bed, and that was when I realized just a couple days before I was doing the same thing just with my daughter inside of me. The pain I felt just from that was almost unbearable, I couldn't stop crying because I felt like I had lost the most important thing in my life. I decided I would try to shower instead of watching TV in bed and that was when things got worse. I sat down on my shower ledge and cried even harder, I missed her so much. Feeling empty is not a great feeling at all, and to place a child for adoption almost feels like the loss of a loved one. Thankfully my mom and grandma were almost back to the apartment and the rest of the night was a bit better. I don't know when I will be able to be completely alone without crying but probably not for a while.

The next day I had to appear in court to terminate my rights.  It went pretty smooth but of course I cried. At this point it all felt so real.  There was no going back after this. After the hearing my mom and I picked up my dog and we headed home.  Because they live in Canada, we had long ride back but we made it fun.  We reminisced on the entire hospital stay and I also was able to get to know her on a deeper level. Once we got home I unpacked and just cuddled up with my dog. It has felt awesome to be home and to be surrounded by people I love and who love me back.

I cannot say that I haven't cried since being here because I have, but it isn't as emotionally painful. What has been helping me a lot is that I receive daily pictures, emails or texts from the adoptive family. They reassure me how much my daughter is loved and it almost makes me feel like I am there with them. It is difficult to be sad when I see how much they love her.  Nights are still hard, but I am working on allowing myself to cry and let it all out. I don’t know how the next couple weeks will go, but I am praying they keep getting better. God has been so good to me throughout this whole journey, so I know He won't stop now.