My Not So Good, Overall Terrible Day

Today has been one of my hardest days throughout this pregnancy/adoption process. It does not help that I continuously dream that I keep my daughter. Imagine going to bed feeling good about your decisions and then dreaming the entire night that you are a mother, only to wake up and be snapped back into the reality of it all. It does not feel good, it messes with your emotions which are already all over the place. I would do anything to be able to take back my poor decisions, but I cannot. I have been beating myself up today because I feel like I could've had the chance to be a mom if I had just tried harder. Instead, I quit my job at Sport Clips because I just felt SO sick 24/7 and couldn't do it anymore. Then, I tried to work hard at Mastercuts but I just felt light headed and dizzy constantly, which was not safe for the baby or myself. Looking back at my pregnancy, I feel like I gave up many times. A huge part of me just wishes I could be this child's mom, and that I could make it work. The reality of it though is that I am not ready to be a mom to this baby, even at 24. I understand how this sounds like I am contradicting my other blog posts, but this is the reality/painful part of choosing adoption. You bond with this baby for 9 months whether you like it or not and then you are forced to let him/her go. It is far from easy, and definitely toys with your maternal instincts. I doubt myself and my decisions day in and day out because of it, and it makes it SO damn hard. This blog post that I am writing today probably won't be helpful for anyone who hasn't been in this position, but sometimes you just have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and show everyone the truth. I think the thing that always bugs me the most is that I usually wake up in such a good mood, but something just snaps in me and I just can't stop beating myself up. I am sorry if this post makes me seem like a total downer, but I felt it was necessary to allow myself to be vulnerable and write what was truly happening inside my head and heart.