How Adoption Works.

For anyone curious about how the adoption process works, keep reading this blog post. There are multiple different types of adoption: open, closed, and private. Let's kind of dive in to each specific type of adoption.


The exact definition of an open adoption is " a form of adoption in which the biological and adoptive families have access to varying degrees of each other's personal information and have an option of contact". The awesome thing about an open adoption is that there are MANY ways to go about it. With my first adoption, I chose for it to be very open. Meaning, I can visit my daughter once a year in California, I receive pictures, the family and I send texts, phone calls, video chats, and emails. Most birth parents are not able to have this "open" of an adoption because it can get very hard and sometimes jealousy can get the best of you. In my case, I've found it easier because I can see my daughter grow up. Not to mention, I have an awesome bond with her adoptive family as well. With my second adoption, unfortunately it is not as open. It is completely up to my daughter (Lincoln) whether she would like to see me or not, that is very difficult for me to grasp emotionally. I absolutely hate the unknown, but at the same time I need to learn to trust God's plan. The adoptive couple and I have a "communication agreement" which basically states the minimum that is expected from the adoptive couple as well as myself. If one or both parties do not follow through, then we can get in trouble with the court. It is definitely reassuring to have certain things set in stone after the adoption is finalized. The adoptive couple has asked me to write a handwritten letter to my daughter as to why I chose adoption and why I chose them as the adoptive family. I was also asked to send updates of my life, as well as photos of myself. The adoptive parents are to send pictures and updates of my daughter every couple months or so. If Lincoln decides she does not want to meet me, then at least I will have the opportunity to watch her grow up through pictures and videos! That is a blessing in itself.

Now the exact definition of a closed adoption is, "also called "confidential" adoption and sometimes "secret" adoption, is a process by which an infant is adopted by another family, and the record of the biological parent(s) is kept sealed. Often, the biological father is not recorded—even on the original birth certificate." From what I have heard, this can be both easier and more difficult. I have personally gotten to know birth mothers who have chosen a closed adoption and found they could move on with their lives easier. From my personal experience, I was adopted as a baby into a closed adoption. I unfortunately had MANY problems accepting my "situation". I started to feel like I was unloved and given up because I wasn't important enough. I started to genuinely believe that my birth mom did not care and that my adoptive parents didn't love me as much. This was totally not the case, my birth mother loved me sooo much that she specifically chose a family who could better care for my needs. The only hard part about being a child of a closed adoption though, is that finding your birth parents is a chore and ridiculously hard/time consuming. When I went looking for my birth parents I decided to google her with what little information I DID know. Nothing really came up. Not to mention, you have to pay for most personal information you want to receive on the internet. BUT I ended up having an awesome idea, I used Facebook to share my story!!!! I went on the Indiana news page and my story ended up getting thousands of shares. Eventually my birth moms sister (I believe) told Janet (my birth mom) that someone with similar information to her "daughter" was looking for their birth mother. After a day or so she got a hold of me and sent me these messages. I, of course, had to attach!!!!

After this happened we talked for a couple days and it went surprisingly great!!! I found out a bit more about my background and sadly found out that my birth father ended his life through suicide when I was 3 years old. That is the part about closed adoption that frustrates me the most.  I will NEVER ever know who he was or what he even looked like. I don't think any child should have to go through that because your background and your birth parents make you who you are (physically and mentally). Janet and I talked about our live's the last 20 + years and what we had been through. She seemed super excited and content with talking to me, until one day she blocked me on everything and wouldn't respond to my texts. I'm still frustrated with myself that I forgot to save her number, so I am unable to even have the option to message her anymore. This actually hurt me a lot more than I let on. When all of this happened, I kept wondering what I did and why she didn't want to get to know me. This brought up feelings of abandonment and just feeling unloved. I have thankfully gotten over it now, but it still pops up in my mind every now and then. How could it not???


With a private adoption, the definition for is "refers to any adoption that is not arranged by a public agency. ... The fees and expenses prospective adoptive parents can pay, and who they pay them to." I honestly just learned something new. I always assumed a private adoption meant that both parties were never in contact, and no pictures or personal information were to be exchanged. I believed that it was "secretive", but now I know for sure that it is referring to the specific type of way that it is done. I don't really have any experience regarding this specific type of adoption but if anyone reading this does, be sure to comment and share your story!!!!


Always remember!!!! No matter which form of adoption you have chosen or end up choosing, you still have that precious time with your child in the hospital. That is ALWAYS 100% up to you how you want it to pan out. I've had birth mothers (friends) who have given their child up before even meeting him/her, and I have known some that spend only 5-10 minutes with their baby before handing him/her over. If we are being honest, some birth mothers decide to take their child home with them at the end of their hospital stay. You do NOT have to give your baby up if you do not want to or until you terminate your rights. I personally took full advantage of my time in the hospital the first time and plan to do the same thing again. Thankfully recovery for a c section takes a bit longer than a natural birth, so I got that extra day or two. I spent a majority of the time bonding with my first daughter Grace and I cherished every single moment of it. There isn't a day that I regret that decision, and I will be doing the exact same thing for my second daughter as well!!!!! If you think about it, it is an experience you and your child will have together in your hearts forever. The adoptive couple won't ever have that exact moment, so why not cherish it???? Hopefully my opinions don't offend anyone, I just believe in taking advantage of everything life offers you!

My Not So Good, Overall Terrible Day

Today has been one of my hardest days throughout this pregnancy/adoption process. It does not help that I continuously dream that I keep my daughter. Imagine going to bed feeling good about your decisions and then dreaming the entire night that you are a mother, only to wake up and be snapped back into the reality of it all. It does not feel good, it messes with your emotions which are already all over the place. I would do anything to be able to take back my poor decisions, but I cannot. I have been beating myself up today because I feel like I could've had the chance to be a mom if I had just tried harder. Instead, I quit my job at Sport Clips because I just felt SO sick 24/7 and couldn't do it anymore. Then, I tried to work hard at Mastercuts but I just felt light headed and dizzy constantly, which was not safe for the baby or myself. Looking back at my pregnancy, I feel like I gave up many times. A huge part of me just wishes I could be this child's mom, and that I could make it work. The reality of it though is that I am not ready to be a mom to this baby, even at 24. I understand how this sounds like I am contradicting my other blog posts, but this is the reality/painful part of choosing adoption. You bond with this baby for 9 months whether you like it or not and then you are forced to let him/her go. It is far from easy, and definitely toys with your maternal instincts. I doubt myself and my decisions day in and day out because of it, and it makes it SO damn hard. This blog post that I am writing today probably won't be helpful for anyone who hasn't been in this position, but sometimes you just have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and show everyone the truth. I think the thing that always bugs me the most is that I usually wake up in such a good mood, but something just snaps in me and I just can't stop beating myself up. I am sorry if this post makes me seem like a total downer, but I felt it was necessary to allow myself to be vulnerable and write what was truly happening inside my head and heart. 

Adoption Journey #2

I will not lie, I never imagined I would be going through this journey for a second time in my life. It has been almost 5 years since I gave my daughter Grace up for adoption, and honestly I've healed a lot since then. I personally think that having an open adoption makes the experience easier to heal from and more enjoyable. I didn't initially decide on doing adoption again, in fact I was stubbornly deciding against it. I assumed because I was older and more mature, that I was finally ready to be a mom. This was not the case at all, I was nowhere near ready financially. Not to mention, I want my children to have a father. I believe that children should have a whole family, that doesn't mean that children without one don't strive. I did TONS of research on single parenting, and realized that even former President Obama was raised by a single mother!!!! So, kudos to all the single parents out there!!! I chose to adoption after contemplating the decision multiple times over the span of 2 weeks. I eventually had a mental break down and made that step to contact Adoption Network Law Center (ANLC). It was insane just how much I cried in the first couple months of this pregnancy, I was super worn out at this point. After I went on the ANLC website and chose the families I thought fit best with what I wanted for my child, I then contacted ANLC and gave them my personal information so that they could get a hold of me. Shortly after, I was contacted by them asking why I chose adoption and if this was my first time. At this point I just wanted to get the ball rolling and talk with my adoption adviser (Mary). I may have gotten a bit aggravated at this point haha (I blame it on the hormones). After this happened, I showed Carrie the profiles of the families I thought were the best candidates for my child and to my surprise we both chose the same family!!!! We chose a family that had such amazing characteristics/similarities to my lifestyle, that I would've been an idiot to pass them up!!!! Not only did they seek a life full of adventure, but they also shared an incredible love for God. Much greater than my own. Personally I could not imagine placing my sweet child with a family that did not believe in God or who were not Christians. God has had such a huge impact on my life since I was 15 years old. He (God) has become one of my top priorities in life, or at least I really try for Him to be. I have chosen to keep the adoptive family's name out of my blog and social media in general so that they can have their privacy throughout this whole process. I will admit, the hardest part through this process has been allowing myself to grow closer to the family. I don't really know any birthmother/birthfather that has said it was easy. Imagine being pregnant for 9 months and bonding with your baby only to give him/her to a family, with the slight chance you may or may not be able to see again... That is what I am constantly reminded of throughout this process, a lot of "what ifs".  A HUGE part of me has been dealing with an inner emotion of jealousy.I tend to get jealous at the simple fact that they can parent my child, and I am at a point where I cannot. It has totally been an internal battle for myself this entire adoption process, BUT I am getting stronger and learning to handle all these feelings without lashing out. The thing I do love about all these struggles is that I am becoming the best version of myself. How could I not?? I am forced to deal with things most people will hopefully never have to. Any who, I met the adoptive parents to be roughly 2 months ago and it went awesome!!!! They are more incredible in person and it just feels reassuring knowing how genuine they are, and also how badly they want to be parents. I spent some time getting to know them, learning about their goals for the future and their entire journey of trying to become a family. Honestly there have been a couple bumps in the road since the adoption process has begun, but without them I think I would've continued to struggle with my decision to do adoption. I use to struggle daily about wondering if I could be a mom, and just dealing with people telling (texting) me I am not trying hard enough. You'd be surprised how quickly people are to judge a situation they are unfamiliar with. Don't ever belittle a woman or man for choosing adoption, not everyone is ready to be a parent or even want to be one! I just am SO thankful for those who followed through with their pregnancies and didn't give up! (Not that I think abortion is giving up, just not the road for me) I have been so lucky to have such a GREAT support system through this time. I could not imagine having to deal with any of this alone. Huge shout out to the entire Friesen family for just being there through thick and thin, and not judging me on my low days (as there are lots of them) and for just being my strength when I am weak. If you do not have a support system, I hope you won't be afraid to reach out to other birthmoms/dads who have been through this process as well, it makes the world of difference. Now I am pretty much just playing the waiting game as my little one is due next month and still growing stronger each day. Did I mention I am having ANOTHER little girl??? The adoptive couple decided to name her Lincoln Waverly. I will admit I wasn't very fond of the name, but it is starting to grow on me.. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and accept things that cannot be changed. Cannot wait to share the rest of this process/journey with you all!!!!! 

Pregnancy Numero Uno!!!

I found out I was pregnant the first time, when I was 19 years old. I had been living with a guy who was 10 years older than me, and who honestly just wasn't the best guy to be with. We met randomly one day in Grand Forks, North Dakota, and things just moved VERY quickly from there. He was originally from Idaho, but was working in North Dakota for the time being and staying in a motel across the street from me. I had met his coworker Cody who then introduced me to his brother. I then eventually met Daniel and we just clicked. We went through a lot of ups and downs... mostly downs sadly. At that time, I had pushed everyone close to me away (including family). I ruined my relationship with my parents, and I disrespected my godparents countless times. I was the worst version of myself. Daniel had gotten very controlling, I couldn't text anyone without him having to check my phone, I didn't have a job to go to during the day, and I couldn't even go hang out with my neighbor at the time Laura, without him assuming things. I eventually got so use to it, that I thought it was honestly normal. Ladies and Gentlemen.... that is NOT normal. A relationship is built on trust, and for some reason he did not trust me in any aspect of our life together. I eventually got to a point where I was VERY depressed. I sadly tried to overdose when he moved back into the motel across the street with his ex Heather. I was devastated, but thank the Lord I am still here today!!! God had another plan for me. Daniel ended up moving back in with me and things went back to the same terrible way they were. We ended up having a giant fight and I made him leave my apartment for good. I called my mom crying for financial help as rent was due the next day, but I knew that it was my only option or I would've ended up homeless. Thankfully God gave me a strong, kind hearted mom who helped me one last time. Not only was I close to being evicted, I had almost nothing in my apartment.... It was a very low, sad time for me. I found out later that week that I was pregnant, and I had no clue what I was going to do. I didn't even know what that meant for me, or what my options were. In my head all I could think about was how this was my way out, God heard my cries/pleas. I called my mom and told her I was pregnant... She was VERY disappointed in me. My godmom on the other hand (Carrie Friesen), was shocked of course, but she was there for me. Even through all the bull crap I put her through, and the hurt I caused her and her family, she was still there. That is when I started to do some research on my options. The first couple months I decided that abortion was the only way. I just knew I could not do it, and I of course didn't want Daniel's child. I tried many different things without going to a clinic. When it came to still being pregnant  though, I decided that I had to try something else. I went back on my phone and I searched more about adoption. I eventually found what I thought was a genuine nice family who wanted this baby, but little did I know, it was a scam. I didn't give up though, and that is when I found Adoption Network Law Center. I started chatting with one of the specialist on the website to make sure that they were legit and not a scam, and to my surprise they were very much a real agency!!!! That is when my adoption advisor (Ellen Edman) contacted me, and I told her more about my living situation and my pregnancy story. Everything from this point moved very quickly! I was given gift cards for groceries which now could feed myself and of course Oreo! I was more than happy as I was struggling majorly financially. Also, emotionally I started to see the light at the end of what seemed like a very dark tunnel. At around 5 months I made the decision to move to California, so I packed up myself and Oreo and we made the trek. Little did I know, my life was about to change in a great way!!! My time in California was great, not only did I have a better/happier life, I also got close to my daughters adoptive family (Paul and Susan). They flew out every now and then to spoil Oreo and I. They even let me help name my daughter! We named her Grace Louise, because we all believed that she was our gift from God. Grace changed not only my life, but theirs forever! When it came to the delivery day, I just knew that this was Gods plan. Everything went so smoothly (emotionally), but that does not mean it wasn't hard. I was able to bond with my Grace, and watch how Susan interacted with her... It was beautiful. The hardest part was saying goodbye. I held Grace in my arms as I sat in a chair bawling my eyes out. My godmom (Carrie) was in the room with me for support, but hidden so I had my privacy to say goodbye. Seeing Carrie cry as she said her goodbyes to Grace was hard for me to see. At that moment I realized just how much she loved me and cared for me, and how she allowed herself to love Grace as her own grandchild. If it wasn't for her, I would not have been able to go through with this entire process. She was my back bone through it all. 

Now Grace Louise is almost 5 years old!!!!! She has turned into such a sweet little girl, who has the brightest future ahead of her. I have seen her multiple times since the day I gave her up. I have such an amazing bond and relationship (thanks be to God) with Susan and Paul and their children. Because of this open adoption, I have been blessed with yet another family who has taken me in as their own. It is amazing how God can turn our darkest time in our lives, to be our brightest. 

I hope my story about my first pregnancy/adoption was able to speak to at least one of you reading this. Don't be ashamed because your story is different than someone else's. 

About Me... Keeley Louise

Hello!!!! As some may know already, my name is Keeley Louise Juckniess. I am 24 years old, and was born on October 31st, 1992. I currently reside in Fargo, North Dakota. Yes, I know... It's not the prettiest place in the USA, but for now, it is my home and safe haven. I originally was born in Southbend, Indiana but I grew up in Illinois. That is a story for another time though!!! I have a beautiful rescue dog named Oreo Louise. 😉 As you probably guessed, she is black and white!!!!We've been together for about 7 years now. Oreo and I are definitely inseparable and of course adventure buddies/best friends. I know my life wouldn't be as bright without her. Now for the fun part. I am (almost) 8 months pregnant, and unfortunately this isn't my first rodeo. I will explain later why I say "unfortunately" and what happened the first time around. Now this is where my journey gets a bit trickier, but I feel it is necessary that I share my story with the world. As hard as it is for me to open up, I feel that more people need to know that they aren't going through things alone.