Forewarning, I will probably start blogging more frequently while I am in Canada as it has been a great outlet for my emotions and thoughts. I also know it has been helping other birth mothers who have gone through similar things.
The past couple days haven't been so terrible honestly, but today it has been very hard to be happy. I cried quite a bit last night and unfortunately the sadness has rolled into today as well. With the lack of sleep, hallucinating that my daughter is here and just feeling so unbearably empty... I am struggling to find joy today. I think mainly I am emotionally and physically drained. It isn't easy trying to grieve when I am constantly reminded of what I went through by the physical pain. Today I haven't received any texts, emails or pictures from the adoptive parents as they are driving back to California. I think that alone is starting to get to me and is making it feel more real that I probably won't see my daughter again for a long time. I genuinely wish there was an easy fix to grieving, not just for myself but for everyone dealing with a loss of a loved one. Unfortunately you just have to let it happen and deal with it as it comes, big sigh.
I tried to kill sometime this morning/afternoon by writing to my daughter about the reason that I chose adoption and the parents I did for her. That distracted me for a hour or so luckily. I still cannot believe that it has only been a week since I gave birth to my daughter, 4 days since I said goodbye and 3 days since I terminated my parental rights. It has definitely been a jam packed week. I would honestly do anything to be in the hospital again holding her and watching her sleep, but it is time to try and move forward.
I want to say thank you to all my friends near and far that message, text, call, Instagram and Snapchat me to make sure that I am doing okay, and that I know I am not alone. I know there isn't much anyone can do or say, but even just caring about how I am doing and recognizing that I am going through a hard time really means so much to me. It feels amazing knowing that I have friends that care and pray/think about me and my daughter. YOU guys are what makes this grieving process much more bearable. I cannot begin to thank you all enough.
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